A Lonely Woman’s Letter to Her Future Self

by Anjali Arora

Dear Future,

I am writing this to you because I think you are the only one who can ever get me.

You see future, you are the only place where my hope lies because the past has crushed me over  and over again and the present is still dragging me down.

People leave me, studies eat me, scars accompany me, sleep fears me, books love me.

Insomnia and books are my only companion. I am dying out here.

I am not a facade.

My tongue, while speaking stutters and sometimes speaking at all, feels like world’s hand gripping down my throat, strangling and suffocating me, feels like dying.

I am not strong.

I am not intentionally weak or fragile; I try being strong but society is pushing me down and dragging me into the darkest corners.

My demons are overtaking me.

So future, I want you to make this right.

I want you to give me my hope back because I am placing everything in your hands.

I am asking you to move on.

Don’t give me scared boys who just want to use me. Give me one broken boy who wants to be mended by me, who wants to mend me.

Future,

I am angry with you because the past and present have left me with no reason to live.

I hate you for tearing my family apart.

But I still want you, the same way you are but with something worth living for. For me.

You can give me magic and wonders I have always worked for or show me the infinite cosmos of the world. Or You can just show me the whole universe in some boy’s eyes.

Future, people fear you and try to bribe you.

You are my friend.

I sometimes feel crazy talking to you, but you are all that I have.

I believe in you, future

Because you are the only thing that can drive a man crazy and make the strongest one of them fearful.

They might try to contain you and figure out your plan, but you have your own maps and a planned destination for each and every one of them.

Dear Future,

I love you because I believe the people who go through the most horrid waves and storms end up in the best destination.

I know you might think I am insane, a psychopath asking you for things and telling you what people think.

But believe me, you are my only friend.

Dear Future,

I think you are my first love.

Let’s hope I end up finding another

Love always,

The fearful past

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Anjali Arora is a 17-year-old who will be studying English honors at Shiv Nadar University starting this year. She is a spoken word enthusiast who loves writing, mainly about social and political issues, or anything she believes needs to be heard. You can follow her on Instagram @anjali_sanjam.